About this column:
Every so often a movie comes along that receives what can only be called a “critical thrashing.” This column reexamines these “bad” films to see if they have any cinematic value.
“Harry Potter can kiss my ass!” proclaims one of the swooningly handsome five male leads in 2006’s supernatural Prep school thriller The Covenant. In a nutshell, The Covenant is Harry Potter meets The Craft meets The O.C with a heaping help of homoerotic over-tones. Receiving a 3% on Rottentomatoes, the film was a critical disaster. It recouped almost triple its production cost through a combination of the box office and DVD sales.
The Covenant
The Covenant is the story of four teen boys who are the receivers of The Power. The Power is passed down through four family lines to the first born son and begins to manifest itself at the age of thirteen. Some aspects of the 1600s witch hunt are mentioned but this was quickly glossed over for shirtless scenes of the four boys, Caleb, Pogue, Reid, and Tyler. There is Caleb, the oldest and most responsible member of the group. Pogue has long hair and a motorcycle. Tyler is the bad boy of the group and the deliverer of the dismissive Harry Potter line above. Reid is the least developed character with the least developed abs. He doesn’t do much.
Wacky teenage hijinks ensue, including hurling beer kegs at one another and flipping up women’s skirts at the bar. Unfortunately, much like the dark side of the force, The Power is addicting. Each usage causes damage to the user’s body eventually resulting in a premature death. This raises the question of how the boys were able to use their power so cavalierly for years without any repercussions. However, this as well as many other plot points are brought up once and never spoken of again.
Caleb meets Chase, a member of the fifth family which was presumed to have died out decades ago. Chase hungers for more power. He soon begins to steal each Son of Ipswich’s power, resulting in the climactic final fight. The fight is a Matrix/Dragonball Z hybrid complete with wire-fu and lightning ball tosses.
The Covenant is unique in that while it is another badly plotted/acted b-horror movie, it sexualizes almost exclusively the five male leads. The two girls in the story are indistinct background characters. In a genre where female TnA is the norm, it was refreshing to have the female gaze be one of the driving forces behind the film. Any excuse the movie can find to have the five boys be shirtless or nearly naked will be used. This includes having the boys get into an all naked locker room shower brawl because one boy called the other gay. There are tons of male swimming competitions which feature the boys in tiny speedos. Caleb’s girlfriend is all but forgotten in favor of his new friendship with Chase (before he turns evil, of course).
I’m more lenient on this movie than I normally would be because it brings back fond memories of the seventh grade. Many a sleepover was spent huddled around the televisions screen, excitedly screaming at each shirtless scene. The film has a certain magnetic campy charm, placing it firmly into the so bad its good territory and into sleepover fodder for teen girls everywhere.
Reid is the one that says the Harry Potter line.