I have been reading your interesting articles and have a question for you. I do not have a problem in managing or maintaining an erection (In fact it can cause a little embarrassment with my quick erections). I sometimes find that after getting really excited and turned on during foreplay I only tend to last a few minutes during penetration before I ejaculate. Is this normal, as you hear of these porn actors who go on for hours? Would you say I would benefit from a cock ring under these circumstances just to prolong penetration?
Thanks for the question. Sounds like the problem you are having is premature ejaculation, or PE. We’re not sure a cock ring will actually help that condition. As you know, cock rings are designed to keep blood in the penis. Using a cock ring may have a slight numbing effect, but that is usually not helpful in managing PE.
In fact, the main goal to address PE is increased sensory awareness. That means it’s important that men be very aware of the sensations they are experiencing. But, there’s good news! PE is actually very treatable. In fact, it’s the most common sexual problem men experience.
Keep in mind that on average, men ejaculate within three minutes of penetration. Having said that, many men want to control how long it takes them to ejaculate, so they have the option to climax quickly or to prolong it, depending on the situation. Learning to control your level of arousal and therefore ejaculation, is possible and desired by many men, whether or not they have “premature ejaculation.” Here are some tips.
Try this exercise: gain an erection and stimulate yourself but stop stimulation before you climax. Let your arousal subside a bit (it may be helpful to use a 1-10 scale, with 10 being you’ve just ejaculated). Once arousal has decreased, resume stimulation — slowly. Repeat this without climaxing twice and on the third time, ejaculate normally. First, try this exercise without lube or other stimulus (i.e., porn). It will help you begin to control your levels of arousal and help build your confidence that this is possible. Using the scale may help give you a measure to use to tell you how close to climax you are.
Don’t Think of Something Else
Recalling baseball stats or making a mental grocery list won’t help you here. Thinking of something else is usually ineffective in managing PE. The goal is for you to recognize how aroused you are and thinking about something less arousing distracts you from what you are experiencing. From the beginning of sexual activity, pay attention to how excited you are (you may want to use your arousal scale). If you start kissing your partner and realize you’re already at a seven, you might want to take a breather to allow your arousal to decrease a bit. Don’t rush it. Slow down, take some deep breaths and focus on not only how aroused you are, but what stimulus is arousing you.
It can be helpful to do deep breathing exercises and progressive muscle relaxation before sexual activity to relax your body, including your pelvic muscles. You may want to ask your partner to give you a massage as a way to relax before starting sexual activity.
Slow down or stop stimulation if you are too aroused. Wait to enter your partner until you feel your arousal is under control. Once you do enter your partner, don’t start thrusting right away. Simply remain still inside of them, paying attention to your level of arousal. Once you feel in control, begin thrusting slowly, stopping when you get too aroused and before you climax (like in the masturbation exercise). Practice makes perfect, so be patient.
Sometimes anxiety in general can affect PE. If you think you experience this in your life, consult a therapist or doctor.
Alternative sexual behaviors
If you ejaculate before you want to, this doesn’t mean sex has to end. There are lots of ways to continue being intimate with your partner, including ways you can stimulate them to orgasm, if that’s the concern. Talk with your partner about other ways to enjoy sexual pleasure that do not require an erect penis or penetration!
Remember, most porn is a poor example of realistic (or healthy) sexuality. Most men don’t last for hours, and usually aren’t able to thrust in various positions without getting even a leg cramp. Although porn may be arousing, it often misinforms us about healthy sexuality.
Stay tuned until next week when we discuss the “art” of the quickie.
Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and violence prevention. E-mail them at firstname.lastname@example.org