I’ll be honest; I have no concentration at all right now. There are hurricanes up the ying yang, dickheads running the country, celebrities I pretend not to care about having babies and getting married, and for some reason I don’t even care. It’s just this time of the year, but if it’s not about baseball in any significant way, get back to me on that after October. Thusly, I felt it best if the column reflected my mood and was all over the place.
IMPORTANT STUFF FIRST-I watched a ballgame last week with my friend, Jeff. He’s a White Sox fan and it made for an interesting evening. Let me say, I don’t have contempt for the Sox. The Cubs, yes, some contempt, but not the Sox. In fact, I hope they don’t lose again until it’s to the Cardinals in the World Series. But it’s been a rough road for them the last month or so. It’s because of that team with the cartoon mascot, what is it? Oh yeah, the Indians.
The Indians are hotter than Ed Asner in Saran Wrap, so it’s made for a fine race. The weird thing is that it’s almost more fun to watch the reaction of the Sox fans than it is to watch the Sox themselves. Every play gets a happy clap or a hopeless moan, every score is met with one of two statements: either, “I cannot believe we suck this bad,” or, “See, we’re gonna be just fine.” I’ll be the same way come playoff time, but until then, it’s nice to enjoy the dismay of others.
THE ANGELS WANNA WEAR MY RED SHOES-Oh my!
A pair of ruby slippers worn by Judy Garland in the “Wizard of Oz” has been stolen from a Grand Rapids, Mich. museum. There are no suspects as of yet, but I would guess that the one person in Michigan wearing shiny, red slippers instead of hiking boots is probably your man.
STUFF YOU DON’T WANNA HEAR-With mother nature acting like she’s got a very bad attitude problem lately, it’s not much fun to think about winter … unless you’re those Farmers’ Almanac people who are always thrilled shitless to tell you what they think is going to happen. They put out their prediction awhile back, so we should probably take a look.
They went way out on a limb and predicted the Northeast would be very cold with lots of snow. Wow, thanks, you obvious bastards. I bet you’re gonna be right on that prediction, just like you were the last 189 years. Closer to home
and less of a bold prediction was the Midwest forecast. Snowy and mild. They failed to mention how snowy or how mild, but it does have sort of a nice ring to it. It almost sounds like a refreshing cigarette. “Yes, I’ll have a pack of Snowy Milds, please … and a book of matches.”
TOWN CALLED MALICE-Okay, so I have a new favorite town now. I’ve never really been there, but from what I hear, it’s right up my alley. The town is named Fuc… well, you know, that word that rhymes with trucking, sucking, clucking and plucking, except with an “F” at the beginning. The town is in Austria and that’s really its name, you know “Phuqing.” They insist it’s pronounced “fooking,” but my guess is it’s just because those Austrians have always been buzz kills.
Apparently, the citizens of the town are up in arms because British tourists keep stealing their signs. Um, it’s weird that surprises them. I’d steal that sign in about 30 seconds if I was in Austria. Seriously, I’m pretty good at it. My buddies and I stole a “Welcome to Oblong” sign in high school. We also tried to steal two other signs, one for the town of Blue Ball, Ohio and the other for Coulterville, Ill. The latter two efforts were sadly thwarted by the police, but no jail time resulted.
LAST, YET STILL REALLY IMPORTANT-It’s gonna get tricky next week if you want to see every baseball game of the playoffs. It’s eight teams, and sometimes they are playing at the same time, both afternoon, evening and sometimes well into the night if it’s a West Coast team. With that in mind, it’s never too early to start thinking of excuses and reasons to bail out of work early or to come in a little late.
If you’re sneaking out early for the afternoon game, it’s pretty simple. Just say you have to run an errand. For some reason, telling people this with an armful of papers seems to be more believable than when you’re carrying a six-pack.
It’s also important to keep in mind that the stranger the errand, the less it will be questioned. If you say, “I’m running out to buy more paper clips,” your co-workers will know something is up. If you say “I need to leave for a while so I can get something lanced,” no one will question you in any way. I hope that helps. If you need me, I’ll be watching the game at Huber’s … um, I mean, buying more paper clips.

Michael Coulter is a videographer, comedian and sort of a smart-ass. But we love him anyway, and nobody really knows why. Probably because he’s so damn funny. But that’s just a theory.

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