First Sniff

Pesonally, I am a huge fan of gun control. Notice the word control here. I am not a rabid liberal nut on this issue. I believe in the virtues of hunting and as such, I believe that hunting, not for sport but for useful purposes, should be perfectly legal and respected. After all, in the end, I believe in freedom. And that includes freedoms in which I may or may not participate. Hunting is one of them. But despite the fact that it should remain legal, it does have it’s pitfalls.

To wit: While hunting for quail with his so-called friends, the Big Dick Cheney, in a neon orange vest (but should be a jumpsuit), shot a round of spread-shot pellets and somehow managed to put more than a few in Harry Whittington, a prominent attorney from Austin, Texas. Maybe it’s just me here, but there is something sinfully ironic about the fact that Big Dick Cheney “accidentally” shot his hunting companion last week while in Texas.

Oh, calm down! I am not implicating the Big Dick as a malicious and blood-thirsty murderer who would go out of his way to kill a fellow human being! I mean, it’s not like the guy ever pushed for any agendas that called for the blood of an innocent victim or, on second thought …

Sock it to the World!

I need to get this one out there before someone else takes credit for it. Thankfully, I write a column so you can all be there to help back me up when someone else tries to steal my idea. I’m talking about socks. Yeah – socks, baby! The kind that you wear; the kind that you put on your feet.

It’s my contention that we should all be entitled to good thick comfortable socks at any point on any day just for being human, regardless of whether you are a billionaire or whether you are using this column to scrape up the last of your crystal meth. Each and every one of us, all across the world, deserves good socks, and it should be America to spearhead the movement. Let’s call it Socks For Supremacy – we could still feel like we were the kings of the world!

Anyone in the States who makes a certain amount of taxable money each year would be required by law to purchase and wear a new pair of socks everyday for the rest of their lives. Nothing overtly expensive, just your regular old brand new Hanes sock. I’m guessing they’re about $.20 per pair at wholesale. Then, at the end of the day, the rich person puts the pair of socks into a government-issued laundry basket, which is collected at the end of each month, to be shipped off to government laundry. The socks are then washed and dried and brought to the One-Time Used Sock distribution centers located in every metropolitan area across the nation.

The socks would then be either available for pickup or, for a minimal fee, be delivered right to your door. But it doesn’t end there.

After the One-Time Used Socks are worn, we put those into the government-issued laundry basket and get them washed and dried and sent out internationally to give out to the poorest nations in the world. We could literally sock the Earth!

Let’s face it. There’s nothing quite like a fresh pair of socks. Shouldn’t everyone be entitled to that warm and snuggly feeling?

Sound kinda crummy at first glance? That’s what I though too, but think about this: When you wash a pair of socks for the first time, they come out of the wash still feeling damn fine –

a One-Time Used Sock is still a damn fine sock, if I do say so myself. The second time you wash it, it comes out of laundry still feeling mighty fine! So, you see, everyone wins. And at the expense of the wealthy – the way it should be. Come on. Who’s with me?

Band of the Week

It’s nice to be able to appreciate an acoustic duo every now and again. There are so many shitty ones out there that it can be hard to remember sometimes that talented and original artists exist.

A new act in town, New Ruins, is definitely worth your time. The pair put on a fantastic set last weekend and you should all go out to see them when the play the Independent Media Center on March 3. It’s presented by Aye-Aye Booking, so it’s gotta be a good one.

Final Whiff

Everyone always talks about how they hate Valentines Day because it’s “so commercial” or “so depressing” or “so unfair to the people who are single.” What are you talking about?

I find it to be a highly decent excuse to be extra-loving and nice to someone. What on earth is wrong with that?

Seth Fein is from Urbana. He is a sucker for those candy hearts and new socks. He’d only get to wear One-Time Used Socks, but he’s fine with that. He can be reached at sethfein@hotmail.com.

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