You don’t need me to tell you, but it would appear that things are getting pretty crazy in this world of ours. I feel I should be more concerned with that hole that’s leaking oil in the ocean floor. It’s just that I bet they’ve already thought of and tried most of my solutions so it’s unclear how I can help. Suffice it to say; my plan involves a long stick and an enormous cork so it’s not ground breaking to begin with. Besides the oil-leaking hole to worry about, the economy is still bad, politicians are still crooked, immigration still pisses everybody off, and there’s a whole lot more trouble than that down the road. Those are the usual things though and we’ll get through them. The biggest problem facing us now is one we could not have imagined and that’s what makes it so vexing. It appears that our celebrities are suddenly getting into a lot of trouble and I’m not even sure what we can do to help them.
Geez Louise, Mel Gibson is apparently not just acting crazy like he did in those wonderful Lethal Weapon movies. He’s actually just crazy now. Lindsay Lohan is rotting away in jail while her fine acting skills deteriorate even further. Zsa Zsa Gabor is in critical condition. That’s just in the past freaking week. It’s too much for me to handle. Remember when celebrities and people on television were looked up to and they never let us down. Don’t worry, the question is rhetorical. Of course that’s never been the case.
Poor Mel Gibson. The tapes where he screams and threatens his ex-girlfriend are slowly leaking out and have ruined his career beyond repair. I’m sure that pathetic bastard gets a really nice fruit basket from Tiger Woods on a daily basis though. If I were Tiger, I’d hold the biggest press conference the world has ever seen. “I was a dick to my wife and children. I cheated and lied and I was not the person I pretended to be. On the other hand, I was not Mel Gibson. I mean, Holy Jesus, did you hear the stuff coming out of that guy’s mouth? If you want to mock and hate somebody, I think he’s your man. I will quietly go back to playing golf and allow all you reporters your freedom to doggedly pursue his ass for a little while.”
It’s just plain weird. Mel Gibson, the fella who showed so much restraint when he directed Passion of the Christ, suddenly can’t control himself. Oh wait, it wasn’t all that sudden really. Wasn’t he the guy who got arrested for drunk driving and went off on some sort of tirade on the Jews a few years back? Maybe I shouldn’t be at all surprised with the recent turn of events. People say he drinks too much and I’m sure that’s probably true. On the other hand, I know a ton of people who drink too much and they don’t threaten to burn down ex-girlfriend’s houses. Fine, I know maybe one guy who did that, but still.
They say he needs to go to rehab but I really have to wonder how much something like that would even help. He’d be better off if he spent every waking moment trying to build a time machine. Once it’s completed, he could travel back to Germany in around 1940 or so. He’d still be a jackass, but at least he’d have plenty of people around him who felt the same way.
Mel may be a dick, but he’s a free man, which is better than Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay may be the most exceptional icon in the world. She’s an actress and yet I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie she has been in. The fact that a guy like me even knows what she looks like is kind of a nice trick for her to pull off. It’s an even bigger trick that I know very little about her and yet I want bad things to happen to her for some reason.
She strikes me as sort of spoiled and full of herself, which makes her jail sentence just the kind of thing that gives me joy. She acts like she’s persecuted by the paparazzi one second and the next second she’s smiling away like they’re her best friends. Back home we used to call that “crazy.” I know who she is because of all that press coverage. If it weren’t for that, she’d only be known as “that one chick that seems kind of cute, but also completely off the hinges and sort of nasty all at the same time. You know the one; she looks as if she smells like something you can’t quite identify. You know, that girl. Anyway, she’s in jail now. Weird.
In the meantime, Zsa Zsa Gabor is in bad shape in the hospital. She used to be in Green Acres and I sort of liked that show. A long time ago, she was pulled over by the police and slapped a cop across the face. It was sort of a big deal back then and I think she spent a day or so in jail. Now it just seems sort of quaint and cute in comparison. This incident neither helped nor hurt her career… only because she didn’t really have one by then. If she tried something like that now, she’d be a dubious superstar. Which would also be too bad.

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