Winter is a time of togetherness and family. Also, it’s a time for rampant, unchecked, Western-style capitalism. What better way to show you love someone (and, by extension, love America) than buying plastic, useless crap? There is no better way! So, here are some of the coolest things you can get for your friends, family, lovers and cousins this holiday season.
What to buy your Dad- Membership to Beer/Cigar/Necktie/Jerky/Pizza/Dog Treat/Etc. of the Month Club!
It’s hard to shop for dads. They never NEED anything — they’re dads! Dads are simple. But dads usually do have good taste for one jarringly specific thing. My dad says he has the best palette for doughnuts out of anyone else in the entire world (he’s right, he does). So, buy YOUR dad a membership to a specialty Something-A-Month club! On http://www.amazingclubs.com/, you can buy your dad quality peanut butter, pizzas or neckties. Does your dad like spiced meat? Buy him a Jerky Club membership! Does your dad like beer? Buy him a Beer of the Month Club membership! This site has something for every dad. Check it out! Caution: these are expensive. But then again, he’s your favorite dad.
What to buy your Mom- Freedom by Jonathan Frazen
Critics like it, audiences like it, New York intellectuals like it and most importantly, Oprah likes it. Frazen’s new novel is a maximalist examination of family life in the second decade of the 21st century. Reviews say it’s even better than his last book, The Corrections, a maximalist examination of family life in the first decade of the 21st century. Everyone’s talking about this book (even moms), and someone I know even compared it to Tolstoy (“but not as boring,” he said). Last time Oprah picked a Frazen book (again, The Corrections), Frazen was too pretentious to accept the title. Now, he’s learned that selling 250,000 more copies of his novel is probably a good thing. So, Oprah and Jonathan have made up, and they both want your mom to read this book. You can get it anywhere, but at the time of this writing, it’s on sale at http://www.amazon.com/
What to buy your girlfriend- A nice scarf
Do you love your girlfriend? Then you should already know what to get her! Don’t ask her; relationships Always end because of Too Much communication! Guess what she wants; it’s all you can do. Also, make sure to put a lot of pressure on it, and ask her to yell at you if you do it wrong (like sex!). Jokes aside, women like scarves. Did you know? Scarves are essential winter gear. Plus, they make your outfit cool! If you’re looking for a good place to buy online, check out http://us.asos.com/ASOS-Shop-womens-fashion-mens-clothing-Free-Shipping-Returns/sx62j/?r=2. It was recommended to buzz by a very cool person.
What to buy your boyfriend- A nice tie
Men want to look nice. The easiest way to look nice is to wear a tie. Did you know that the neck is the sexiest part of the human body? It is (well, to me). Here’s how to choose a good tie: think about who’s wearing it. Don’t buy an old man tie for your 20-year-old brother. Never buy a goofy, novelty tie (even ironically). Don’t get anything with a picture, but ebb on the side of something with a design. Nothing too flashy, but definitely something sharp. Things to do: ask the sales associate (this is honestly their favorite question); buy it with a specific shirt. Things not to do: buying anything with lights, sounds, or mechanics; shopping off the clearance rack. If you’re looking for a cool site to get ties online, check out http://www.thetiebar.com/index.asp.
What to buy your sister- Tea and tea accessories
I bet your sister used to have tea parties when she was little. No? Well then, she likes tea now. No? Then move on. This entry isn’t for you. If you go to http://www.stashtea.com/default.aspx, you can find tons of great stuff for tea lovers. Loose teas, bagged teas, iced, hot, tea accessories like pots, cups and stuff to put in your tea like honey sticks or seaweed. They have organic tea, a very good selection of orange tea (gotta try that if you haven’t already) and some pretty weird-sounding black teas. Ginger peach black tea? Count me in! Sisters love tea; that’s part of the job description. Buy her tea for home and work!
What to buy your brother- Magazines
People who make magazines like magazines. So, at buzz, we love talking about magazines. Brothers probably like them, too, I assume. Here are some great magazines and the reasons why you should be reading them!
Wired: best layout of any magazine, no white space is put to waste. Truly a joy in content and graphic design (my favorite magazine!). GQ has consistently readable essays, and their photo shoots are top notch.
The New Yorker: the regular contributors right now are great. Plus, the cartoons are worth the price of admission.
Some magazines in the pulp lit. tradition: Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine, Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine, Asimov’s Science Fiction, Analog Science Fact and Fiction. All good!
Here’s a magazine literally anyone can enjoy: Mental Floss! Very cool, interesting writing. Like music? Check out The Believer (and if you have the money, get McSweeney’s too!).
Honestly, magazines are pretty cheap (lots for $10 a year), they’re fun to read, and they make interesting coffee table pieces. Get some for your friends and BROTHERS! Get them at their respective websites for cheap!
What to buy your weird friend- 5-pound gummy bear
Have you ever thought, “I want to eat 1400 gummy bears, but I don’t want to have to have the hassle of eating a bunch of little things.” No, of course you haven’t. But weirdos have! This 5-pound gummy bear is billed as The World’s Largest Gummy Bear! I am somewhat surprised that humanity has yet to make a bigger bear (we did go to space), but this sucker is pretty big. It costs $30. You should have been able to tell by the title if this was the right gift for some weirdo. Just google “World’s Largest Gummy Bear.”
What to buy for yourself – “I Am A Stuffed Animal”
A stuffed animal modeled after you! Send these guys a picture of yourself and get a doll made that looks like you! I think you deserve it, you bought your friends all these nice things. And, unless you’re ever in a Hollywood blockbuster, the chances of you getting made into a stuffed toy are otherwise pretty slim. Check it out here: http://www.iamastuffedanimal.com/.