This past year has been a strange one. I realize it’s probably human nature to think everything that happens is stranger than it’s ever been before, but it’s probably not. It’s just different. Going by that, this past year was very… well, different. I could probably do some research or wait for a list to come out, but I thought it would be more fun to just try and remember all of the things I could. Hey, it’s also sort of easier to do it that way, but it’s not that easy, so let’s get started so we can get on with the new damned year already.
The first thing I thought of is that “Anonymous” deal. I find this captivating and awesome, and I eventually will find it very scary, but that time hasn’t quite gotten here yet. I’ll admit I don’t really know much about it, but that’s sort of the point. A loosely connected group of computer geeks doling out their own brand of justice seems sort of cool. They’re kind of like Clint Eastwood’s “Man with No Name.” You know, if Clint still lived in his parents’ basement. I’ve probably pissed them off now, but what are they gonna do to me, make my column worse? Good luck, fellas.
This year also saw all of those Wall Street protestors. I don’t understand this very well and have made no effort to. I’m sure they believe their hearts to be in the right place, and they may be, but they just seem so douchey that it’s hard for me to be on their side. Who would have thought something bad would come about because the jam band Phish broke up? It appears many of their fans don’t have a damned thing to do these days.
It’s weird that there seems to be a certain amount of anarchy around today — far more than there used to be. I sort of like it in a screwed up way. It’s nice to dick with authority. I even thought of becoming an anarchist at one time, but the meetings were so disorganized it drove me crazy. Everyone was screaming and when they eventually came up with a plan, they had to disavow it immediately because having a plan is so not anarchy.
There was some other stuff, too. Everyone with a half a plan and a preexisting mental condition decided they would try to become the Republican presidential candidate. When John Huntsman is starting to look really, really good, it’s safe to say there might be a problem somewhere. Oh, I think the Iraq war may be over with, as well… again. Great, that really worked out for everybody. Just a tip — you might want to leave all the guns and shit over there for a little while because otherwise, you’re just bringing them back and forth all the time.
Entertainment news was much more fun than all of this serious stuff. The wonderful Charlie Sheen went from being a terrible actor to being a crazy person to being the butt of jokes to being sort of amazing. Fine, “amazing” is probably a strong word, but the fact that he’s still breathing sort of makes him a badass. Trust me, he’ll never be as interesting as he was in the past year. Most of the other entertainers just annoyed the piss out of me.
We see you already, okay? Yes, you’re very special and a freaking national treasure. We’re all paying attention to you, so you can let up now. Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking to you, Katy Perry and Justin Bieber. Oh, I’m also talking to you Kardashians. Oh, yeah, I see you also, Rhianna. How much reinforcement do you all need before you’ll shut your idiot mouths for five or ten minutes? Oh, we didn’t forget you either, Miley. We see you. We’re just begging you to stop it. For the love of God, please stop it.
In sports, Tim Tebow is making being a Christian cool again. Okay, I’m joking, because nobody could do that. Hell, David Bowie couldn’t make that sort of thing cool. Either way, Mr. Tebow is winning some football games, and he gives all the credit to his personal savior. I don’t know — If I were God, I think I’d pick a talented and less dip shitty representative, but I suppose God has a plan… a weird and terrible plan.
Besides that, my beloved St. Louis Cardinals won the World Series… and then promptly lost their best player to free agency. I’ve made my peace with the whole thing. Albert said it was God’s will. I had no idea God had an extra fifty million dollars to throw around like that. Geez, I liked sports a lot better when the Holy Spirit wasn’t involved.
So now we’ve got 2012 to look forward to. If you go by that Mayan calendar, this may not be that good of a year at all. The forecast is gloomy with a chance of flaming asteroids. On the other hand, it will give me a certain amount of joy to see all of the freakshows out there predicting the end of the world every four or five days. Maybe they’ll be right sometime. Eventually, they have to be. My guess is that it won’t end, at least not quickly. Every year seems to get weirder, but when it’s all over, it doesn’t really seem that bad. It’s almost too interesting to stop now.