People are fine, I suppose, but if I’m being honest, I sort of prefer dogs most of the time. Yeah, I know, that’s not a great thing for a member of the human race to say, but it’s sort of true. It’s not the unconditional love of a dog so much as the douchbaggery of people. I see a dog and I think, “Hey, he’s a cute little bastard.” I see a person and think, “Freaking great, I’m probably gonna have to talk to them or something.” Either way, maybe dogs and people aren’t all that far apart anymore, especially if advertising gets its way.

A dog food company is making Austrian TV commercials that target the dog instead of the dog’s owner. They don’t do this by showing cats dressed up in S&M clothes or even by showing the back room of a butcher shop. They are far sneakier than that. Instead, they added some sort of weird audio frequencies that only dogs can hear to the commercials.

The thinking, I suppose, is that your dog will hear the noise and run to the television. This will make you think, “Jesus H. Christ, my dog really wants that. I better get my ass to the store quickly.” The dog food company makes their money, and we all get just a little stupider. I say this only because for this sales pitch to work, the animal, the consumer and the company all have to be as ignorant as a Katy Perry song.

This particular commercial is 23 seconds long. That’s a little shorter than a regular commercial, but it’s also about 20 seconds longer than my dog’s attention span, so I’m not sure how that’s going to work either. Apparently it emits some weird squeaks and pings that both the dog and owner can hear. That sounds like a lot of fun for us. Of course, it may be hard to concentrate on the commercial after the dog has jumped through the screen of the television, but I assume it will be a nice little moment before the whole thing turns to shit.

It is innovative, I guess. In the past, dog owners have been the primary focus. Treat your puppy right. Don’t feed them crappy food… unless it’s our crappy food. Your dog will love you even more if you buy this. They only live 13 years or so, you cold-hearted bastard — let them enjoy a goddamned treat once in awhile. It works pretty well. Hell, I’ve made a special trip to the store simply because the dog ran out of treats.

My favorite version of companies catering to me is a little dog treat called Beggin’ Strips. It actually says on the outside of the package, “Dogs don’t know it’s not bacon.” Wow, you’ve fooled my dog. Nice work, Purina. Of course my dog doesn’t know it’s not bacon. My dog doesn’t know its ass from a hole in the ground most of the time. It’s not that hard to trick him. He also doesn’t know that mud isn’t a food, people don’t enjoy being pushed to the ground, and a person’s crotch isn’t necessarily a good resting place for his cold-ass nose. I’d be impressed if he could even spell bacon.

Obviously, the dog food companies figured a smart guy like me couldn’t be suckered all that easily, so they cut out the middle man and went straight to the dog. The problem with this plan is that dogs simply don’t have all that much extra cash lying around for purchasing treats. In fact, their disposable income is basically nothing, along with their regular income. Dogs are grifters, and they don’t give a rat’s ass what sort of treat it is, so long as they can get all excited and eat the damned thing. Hell, a dog would like a rotting mouse carcass as much as he would like a piece of rawhide dipped in gold, probably more.

This is all similar to an ad campaign in Germany where a dog food company put up posters for their food that released the smell of the dog food in hopes the dog would lead the owner to the posters. Of course, if they made the posters smell like other dogs’ asses, that would have probably worked, too. I have a feeling all of this may simply lead to very frustrated dogs.

It almost feels like a bit of my dog’s innocence will be lost once he gets exposed to all of this. It won’t be long until he whines for a more fashionable dog collar and maybe one of those cute little raincoats for when it’s wet outside. I fear that licking his testicles may just not be enough for him anymore.

I suppose it’s all in good fun, but it also seems sort of shifty. I’m not sure where it’s going to stop. I just feel like it could become a lot of stress for my dog. He doesn’t strike me as completely stable in the first place, and if he becomes constantly taunted by advertisements, he could really go over the edge. The thing is,  he’s what’s best for him.

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