As crazy as it seems, we’re already halfway through the semester. At this point, my roommate and I know each other’s daily routines by heart. We usually know when the other is in class, a club meeting, the library, etc. We’re also pretty okay with living together (woohoo, thank the lawd Krishna/Jesus/Allah/everyone for that) and we know our responsibilities in terms of chores. We’re also pretty good at buying groceries, which is always a lot of funwho doesn’t love binge shopping at Walgreens? Basically, we have things figured out.
That is, until I started finding some weird things in our room. I have a pretty high tolerance for weirdness (aka my friends and I placed a single, randomly found hair weave in a plastic baggie to commemorate our friendship). So when I say weird, I mean it. Weird as in food items covered with giant, furry masses that seemed to be getting bigger each day. At first they didn’t bother me, because I figured that it was some chemistry experiment that my roommate was working on for class. But then I realized that she wasn’t a chemistry major.
I learned an important lesson that day. As insane as it sounds, food can go bad. Here are some of the insights of my newfound knowledge; I hope it spares you of the same fate.
1. Coffee can grow mold.
Wait, but it’s a liquid…how is that even possible? I mean, yeah, we might have left it uncovered in a mug for about a week…but still. I definitely did not expect some cottonballlookin’ shit floating lazily on the surface.
2. Tea can grow mold.
SMH man, just SMH.
3. Were those jelly beans on the floor at some point?
Yeah, I don’t know. Some questions aren’t meant to be answered.
4. What the actual fuck is in that plastic bottle?
Oh, I know! It used to be Prairie Farms strawberry milk at some point, but now the formula has separated into a mixture of little white chunks and pink water. Hey, but at least now you know what’s really in that stuff!!!
5. Don’t bother with dishware.
Because having real plates and silverware means that you’re going to use them, which means that you’re going to have to wash them, which means that you’re not going to wash them, which means that macaroni and cheese residue in your Tupperware will start turning black, which means gross. Do I make myself clear?
6. Waking up covered in candy corn might be reason to be alarmed.
I just don’t understand…like it was in the bag…and now…what?
7. When in doubt, start up a rousing game of “Is This Edible????” and invite the most adventurous people on the floor to play.
Does this salsa need to be refrigerated? Is it still good? Is this bread okay? Fuck, why do we have so much damn bread? How long is too long to store a protein shake? The only way to answer these burning questions is to test the food out for yourself.
But don’t actually try any of it yourselfinstead, casually invite a couple of people to your room to play a fun ol’ game of “Is This Edible?”. The first person should, ideally, be a guy that has the tendency to eat anything and everything; he’ll tell you if the food’s safe or not. The second should be a sensible person that can advise you on whether or not you can trust the first guy’s judgement. And voila, now you have an accurate analysis of whether or not that hummus is a good lunch idea for tomorrow.
8. I mean, just eat everything before it goes bad.
You know, your parents would be really upset if they saw you wasting food. So, before it spoils, you and your roomie(s) have to go to TOWN on anything that might be edible. Start with the most perishable: milk, cheese, bread, various spreads, etc. Then, move on to the chips, crackers, and cookies, before they get stale. Afterwards, you can wipe out anything that’s sitting outside in your room. You should hit the freezer last, because let’s be honestnothing’s about to happen to those Bagel Bites, they’re basically invincible.
There’s only one minor issue: the fact that you’re shoving all the food down your throat may mean that there isn’t enough for your roommate, which they might find upsetting. But you know what? This is real life stuff, and it is IMPORTANT. If it turns into the Roommate Hunger Games, so be it.
So yeah, best of luck to you. Homegirl, if you ain’t sleeping…you better be eating.