When I was about 16 years old my mom told me that when I start having sex, it should not be just about the guy; I should enjoy it, too.

Strange thing to say your teenage daughter about sex? Maybe. But she had a point. On average, heterosexual women orgasm far less frequently than heterosexual men. Bisexual women only orgasm a smidge more frequently, and overall, no matter the sexual orientation of the couple, men just climax more. Not to say sex isn’t enjoyable without getting off, but the “orgasm gap” is very real. Since we are in an age of equality, shouldn’t orgasms also be included?

There are a lot of reasons for this gap, from social stigma to there being little scientifically known about the female orgasm. But when it comes down to it, ladies, you deserve to have an orgasm, and you shouldn’t be afraid to say you want one.

Ok, but how? You might be a little nervous or unsure how to approach that topic, whether it be with your longtime partner or maybe someone new. But here’s the thing: your partner probably wants you to climax just as much as you do. (And if they don’t, you should probably ditch them. Sorry, not sorry.) Ladies, it’s time you start getting The Big O just as much as these guys.

I don’t know what makes me climax!
Hey, that’s fine! It’s also a great opportunity to start some exploration, whether it be by yourself or with a partner. I’m not here to tell you how to masturbate, but this is the best and easiest way to figure out what your body likes and exploring new things can be fun. If you’re nervous about trying new things with your partner, masturbation is a great warm-up! Whether it be by yourself or maybe with a new toy, this is a great starting point for someone who hasn’t had a lot of experience with sexual pleasure, with or without a partner. There’s advice all over the web with tips on how to explore your own body! Here are some basic tips.

I’ve faked it too much to go back now.
Okay, this is tricky but redeemable. How do I know? Because I have been there. Saying you know you’re not gonna get there is just about as embarrassing as asking for an orgasm. (For the record none of this should make you feel embarrassed or uncomfortable — I want to be real with you here.) So, point being, even though you have faked it before, it’s never too late to be honest with your partner. That classic line of, “It’s not you, it’s me?” I pulled that, and it helped, knowing he didn’t necessarily do anything wrong, but it’s something we need to work on. Your partner might get mad and upset and feel bad, and that’s okay. The point is, now you both know, and now you can get busy and start getting to that climax you deserve. And when your partner finally helps you achieve the Big O? Any hard feelings will be replaced with immense satisfaction.

I want to bring toys into the bedroom, but how?
Gonna get a bit personal here guys. I have major trouble climaxing without some help, and it’s never the guy’s fault. They do everything right; it’s good, it’s fun. My body is just kind of a dick about these things. So, one day, I thought, maybe I ought to try something new here. It took forever for me to actually bring up the idea to my partner, but once I did? No big deal! There’s this weird notion that guys will feel emasculated about needing toys in the bedroom, and those guys need to get over themselves. There is a reason they’re called sex toys, not masturbation toys. And boys, you’d be surprised how well a sex toy can brighten up your own sex life as well. If your partner is having a great time, it’ll be so much easier for you too!

I physically cannot achieve an orgasm.
There are people out there who cannot orgasm or it’s next to impossible for them to “cross the finish line.” There is nothing wrong with that. A person could have mental blocks, a physical issue, even certain medications such as anti-depressants can cause this. So, how do you know when you’re “satisfied?” Well, that’s a case-by-case basis. Because you can have fun with sex and end up totally satisfied even if you don’t “get there.” But please, do not fake an orgasm if this is something you deal with. You’re not doing either of you any favors. Take it out with your partner and remember, communicating your wants and needs is key.

Probably the most important thing about asking for and getting an orgasm, however, is losing the stigma that women shouldn’t ask for one. Women love sex too, folks! Talk about orgasms with your friends, boys, girls and nonbinary alike. People are talking about sex casually more and more, and while it is obviously important to talk about safe sex, orgasms deserve to be a part of the conversation just as much. So tell your friends and family to use condoms and to never be afraid to ask for what you want in the bedroom. Conversations around this topic might take time, but if we keep talking about it, eventually the orgasm gap will be one less thing women have to fight against.

About The Author

Paige Leden

Hi, I’m Paige Leden, a writer at Buzz magazine since August 2019! You can also find me editing the newspaper, The Daily Illini. After transferring here, I was excited to get involved in writing for my fellow classmates in a student-run organization, so here I am! When I’m not working on a story, you can usually catch me in the library for school or at one of my many jobs. When I do have free time I’m at the movies or sticking my nose in a good book.

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