Home for the holidays?

The holiday season is now officially upon us. I realize that for some folks this particular season has been upon us since the end of Halloween, but I prefer to put it off as long as is humanly possible. Lik...
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Cell censorship

I was never a big cell phone guy until I actually got one. At that juncture, I figured if I was gonna be a dipshit, I’d try to be the biggest dipshit I could possibly be, so I would also text. Now, I’m texting ...
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Prison yard

I always take a few days off this time of year. It’s certainly not for joy, but it’s not an absolute necessity, either. It’s just sort of a required respite from regular work. The problem is that this break fro...
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Kardashian Korner

I can never remember if it’s handbag or hand cart. I’m speaking, of course, about the mechanism that things go to hell in. I think I’ve heard it both ways. Hell in a hand cart probably makes more sense, but I t...
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Manners matter

I used to have some good assed manners. As the previous sentence probably points out, I fear these manners may have been on a downswing for quite some time. It’s harder when you get older. Not harder to do — ju...
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Coulter gets Twitter

Sometimes I’m a hard guy to figure out. Hell, even I can’t figure me out. There are times when I’m even sort of clear as to what I’m going to do next, and even that ends up surprising me. I think this is why I ...
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Friends like these

I always like to say that I’m lucky enough to have the best friends in the world. This is probably more an indictment to my lack of judgment than to their awesome friend qualities, but either way, I love them, ...
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On home robberies

I was talking the other day to someone about one of my first apartments. I pointed out that when my lease was up, I didn’t have to clean or anything because they simply tore the damned thing down when I moved o...
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Is public drinking dying?

I’ve never been much of a drink-at-home kind of guy. I mean, I do it every so often, but I just seem to lack the conviction I have with a night of drinking at the bars. Fine, I’ll tear it up in the garage, but ...
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Reckless driving

I’m not much of a driver. Actually, it depends on how you look at it. In a way, I’m great. I don’t speed much, I pay attention and I haven’t had an accident in countless years. What I suppose I meant to say is ...
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Restaurant: Impossible

You can’t hit a home run every at bat. This is a good saying if you’re looking for an excuse to sort of suck some of the time, and it’s always nice to begin a column with something trite. In this particular cas...
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Webster’s new words

This is an exciting time of year because the list of new words came out. You read that correctly — the list of new words came out! Fine, I’m not that excited either, but we might as well talk about them, so se...